Wednesday, December 22, 2010

On Peer Pressure.

Peer pressure is defined by dictionary.com as follows: The social influence a peer group exerts on its individual members as each member attempts to conform to the expectations of the group.

It would be easy to suggest why teenagers and adults drink and drive as a result of negative peer pressure. They might drink and drive because they want to fit in or because somebody or a group of people tell you they don’t want to take a taxi home from the bar or a house party so they will encourage the most sober person of the group to drive home.

On the flip-side, positive peer pressure can also deter people from drinking and driving. Taken from timescolonist.com, Steve Wallace shared a story about four fathers who took turns to drive children to hockey games and practice. Eventually one of the fathers was charged with a DUI charge and lost his license for three months. The other fathers quickly declined the offer from the offender when he offered to drive after his ban was finished to make up for his driving absence because they did not trust him to drive their own children any longer.

Wallace wrote, “The social stigma of an impaired driving conviction had a lasting effect on the relationship of the four men and their families. Many convicted drivers do not abstain from drinking and driving because of the law. They change their behaviour because of social pressure. Bad behaviour can go the way of the spittoon. Peer pressure is an extremely powerful weapon against drinking drivers. It is the kind of pressure we should all be willing to exert in order to end the senseless slaughter on our roads.

Teenagers are easily led by negative peer pressure according to an article on thedrunkdrivingmasses.com because they have inexperience and their immaturity leads to them being subdued by negative peer pressure and accidents as a result of those traits and lack of experience; i.e. drag racing, drinking and driving and failure to properly wear seatbelts.

The article goes on to say that many young drivers are at an increased risk because of deficiencies in a variety of psychomotor, perceptual, and cognitive skills. Some young drivers intentionally increase their risk of collision - they are motivated by thrill-seeking or compromised by peer pressure. Lifestyle choices, alcohol, drug use and inexperience often combine to dramatically increase the crash risk of teen drivers.

Teenadvice.about.com adds in a separate article that peer pressure almost always plays a role in street racing and other car games played by teens.

It would be wise for any new driver young or old to drive with positive influences that will encourage them to drive safely and responsibly. Driving under positive peer pressure will result in proper seatbelt usage, controlled speeds and sober driving. 

Monday, December 20, 2010

On Auto-Tune.

Auto-Tune defined by dictionary.com states the meaning as such: (n) a software package that automatically manipulates a recording of a vocal track until it is in tune regardless of whether or not the original performance was in tune.

Taken from antarestech.com in 1997, Antares Audio Technologies (founded in 1990 as Jupiter Systems by Dr. Harold Hildebrand) moved into the hardware DSP effects processor market with the ATR-1, a rack-mount version of Auto-Tune. Antares incorporated in May 1998 and in January 1999 they acquired Cameo International who was their former distributor. Later in 1999, Antares once again created a new product category with the Antares Microphone Modeler, which is a plug-in that allows any reasonable quality microphone to sound like a vast selection of other more complex microphones.

Many artists in today’s pop culture rely heavily on Antares’s digital phenomenon. According to hiphopmusic.com, Auto-Tune was initially used discreetly to smooth over wrong notes but Cher first used the effect in 1998 as an instrument rather then as a corrective lens in her single, “Believe,” which reached the 74th spot of the list on VH1’s, 100 Greatest Songs of the 90’s. This song catapulted the popularity of Auto-Tune and in today’s pop world a vast majority of artists has moulded Auto-Tune as a generic sound. Most notably, Faheem Rasheed Najm, or otherwise known as T-Pain who single-handedly revolutionized the use of Auto-Tune in the hip-hop genre by winning two separate Grammy awards for both singles “The Good Life” with Kanye West and also “Blame It” with Jamie Foxx. As more and more artists continue to use the software, Cher and T-Pain could both go down as the grandparents of Auto-Tune; with special consideration to the ever-controversial artist, Kanye West.

But not only has Auto-Tune impacted the music industry for better or for worse, upon releasing the software to the general public, people everywhere Auto-Tuned everything and anything on the internet. Youtube.com has hundreds of thousands of videos dedicated to parodies and wanna-bes broadcasting their creativity and morphing older videos into musical mock-ups. According to networkworld.com in 2010, over 700 billion videos were viewed on youtube.com and more then 13 million hours of video were uploaded to the multi-media juggernaut (just to give you a rough idea of how powerful the internet can be to broadcast yourself).

Auto-Tune the News takes serious interviews and news pieces from around the world and masks the Auto-Tune feature over the voices and adds music to the background to create a much different tone then what the original content was originally intended.


Other youtube.com users such as SherrieLeaLaird take popular viral videos to make a new viral video using Auto-Tune such as SherrieLeaLaird’s Auto-Tuned take on Antoine Dodson.


Auto-Tune’s ability to turn anyone into an overnight songbird couldn’t be more evident then a video on youtube.com of a homely woman singing in “a-capella” about her favourite alcoholic beverage in contorting tones and pitches and then when later replayed in Auto-Tune and laying a music track beneath the song, the woman sings a catchy jingle.  


Perhaps its reasons such as this that turns people off from Auto-Tune and why some people give zero respect to artists who use it such as Kesha who not only uses Auto-tune in her international hits such as “Tik-Tok,” but also sings in speech which may have also catapulted a new genre of pop music style. Collegehumor.com best explains her style with their musical parody “Sing-Talk.”




Further-still, T-Pain may have tarnished the music fad by allowing SonicMule Inc. to use his name in their iPhone application created in 2010, I Am T-Pain. According to americanconsumernews.com I Am T-Pain users have created almost 35 million Auto-Tuned recordings, the application has made Apple’s Top 300 iPad/iPod application list and I Am T-Pain has been featured on TV shows such as The Ellen Show and Jimmy Kimmel Live. At US$2.99 per download, T-Pain cashed in and permanently scorched his name into Auto-Tune history.



Rap super-star, Jay-Z released a track that was intended to ruin and crushthe use of Auto-Tune under the title, “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune),” but according to crunchgear.com Anteras admitted that there was a boost in Auto-Tune sales in the weeks following the release of the song. The article goes on to explain that D.O.A. was ironically produced by Kanye West, an artist who certainly uses the gimmick in his own music.

So while there is much to celebrate and also to deliberate about Auto-Tune and its impact on the global multi-media scale, the fact remains that there is much popularity in the software and there might not be death for Auto-Tune anytime soon.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

On Digital Dating.

As part of many online disaster stories I have a lot of experience in the online dating world. The more times I ask couples how they met, the more responses I hear are becoming notably similar, “we met online.” Let’s face the facts, one-in-five American singles are in a committed relationship with a partner they have met online according to a match.com study found on datingsitesreviews.com.

Those are astounding numbers when there is a big stigmatism about meeting people through a dating website. People can feel ashamed or embarrassed about the fact that they met online. Others may feel scared or intimidated about meeting online strangers. Perhaps there is a fear because according to Statistics Canada, in 2008 approximately 23,000 incidents of dating violence were reported to police. There may be an intimidation factor because people tend to set their profile pictures as an image of a time when they looked flawless and fear the possibility of their date being disappointed when they see reality. Everyone has that one picture they love of themselves where the camera caught them looking their best with a great smile at the perfect angle. We use those pictures as our main images because as unfortunate as it is; looks matter to most people.

It’s also very easy to stretch the truth on your profile information. According to statistics found in a nypost.com article, men are approximately two inches shorter then what they publish in their profile while women are an inch shorter and 50 percent of daters lie about their weight. When it comes to revealing information about salary and income, their financial information is usually exaggerated by 20 percent.

Here’s an informative image full of online dating statistics. 

With all of these negative conceptions, people are still surfing the web for love or sexual encounters. Greg Blatt, CEO of Match.com said the world has changed. Blatt says people get married older, work longer hours, move around more, and people are generally busier. He said these changes have put pressure on the way society traditionally have met their significant others.  Blatt goes on to say that because of these changes, there is an increasing openness to doing new things.  He said online dating has grown so much in part as a response to these societal changes and has become the third most important way we meet our significant others, even though it didn't even exist 15 years ago.  

Though meeting significant others and spouses occur at a bigger percentage at work and school (36 percent) or through friends and family (26 percent) according to match.com, online dating (17 percent) has overtaken the bar scene during the past three years as only 11 percent of people have met their spouse at a club or social event.

Another dating website, plentyoffish.com claims that with over 135 million monthly visitors, they are the market leader in online dating. Plentyoffish says independent tracking firms Comscore.com and Hitwise.com report plentyoffish is the most visited dating site in the Northern America and the United Kingdom in 2010; not to mention membership is absolutely free.

But is free necessarily a good thing? Would a paid membership offer better results? 


Plentyoffish claims that eharmony.ca charges its subscribers $49.99 every month which is a hefty price to pay if a user struggles to find love for an entire year. A year’s subscription would result in an annual bill of $599.88. However, eharmony says that the premium price will help users find meaningful high-quality matches. Eharmony claims that $49.99 a month will cost less than going on dates with people who may not be compatible with you. In theory, eharmony may have a point but that also depends on the type of dates you go on, not every date has to be a bank-buster. But in my own opinion there may be more merit in knowing someone is willing to fork out $49.99 a month to find love because that tells me a woman is serious about long-term relationships rather then a woman on a free dating site who may just be on it for an ego-booster.

If anyone signs up for any type of dating website there is safety and advice that should always be taken and followed. Plentyoffish says there is no substitute for acting with caution when communicating with any stranger who wants to meet you. Never include your last name, e-mail address, home address, phone number, place of work, or any other identifying information in your internet profile or initial e-mail messages. Stop communicating with anyone who pressures you for personal or financial information or attempts in any way to trick you into revealing it.

Plentyoffish also advises that if you choose to have a face-to-face meeting with another member, always tell someone in your family or a friend where you are going and when you will return. Never agree to be picked up at your home. Always provide your own transportation to and from your date and meet in a public place with many people around.

And let’s not forget that a date should be fun, whatever fun may be for those particular people. 


Check out these ten great first date ideas on onlinedating.org for some suggestions if you’re stuck on what to do or where to go.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What's New in 2010...

So after a brief taste of life working in a big boy job I find myself looking for employment once again! The experience working from home, freelance style was a lot of fun. Although things didn't turn out the way I had hoped, I am now excited to begin the next chapter.

What's also new is the fact I was able to re-obtain my G1 driver's license. So upon passing my G2 and working somewhere/anywhere I hope to buy a mode of transportation and open up several more doors t my future career path.

Let's face it, a car means freedom albeit an expensive freedom.

I am re-motivated and ready to grab life by the horns and get what I want, so here's to never giving up hope and keeping your chin up.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

On a new project.

This is just a new story idea I had randomly. Give it a read and let me know any thoughts and feelings on it. 


The leaves changing in the cool autumn air relish the feeling of hatred within my broken soul. The trees change so quickly, and in all their awe and sheer beauty, I know that winter is immanent. From budding flowers, to a green array of summer glory, these leaves then go the distance to showcase nature’s fireworks. Yellow, red, purple and some green. Then as quickly as they change, they die. They fall from the outstretched boughs and freefall to the ground. Leaves take their time to land, they dance with the breeze and they float slowly down until they rest on the earth. They turn ugly brown on the ground. They go crispy and dirty. So we try to get rid of them on our lawns. Rake them, pile them, and then bag them up so nobody would even know they existed.

My awkward stare makes my wife feel uncomfortable. I’m not staring at her face; I’m not even looking at her direction. I can’t look away from the view, can’t look away from the trees. My house resides in a small valley. I have twenty-three acres of land that I do nothing with. My house is old, but trusting. We do not have neighbours because our house is secluded from society. My aged truck takes thirty minutes to get to the nearest gas station. My wife, Helen hates being so far away. She left everything for me. She has no friends, her family doesn’t write. I’m everything she has.

My wife turned forty-nine two months ago. She is bitter about living here, she is bitter with me. Her eyes have begun to sink, and grey hairs litter her head. Helen’s breasts sag and she gains weight each month. She gave up on make-up years ago because she doesn’t have anyone to impress, especially not me. She talks to the dog, Russel. I haven’t heard good morning in years. She cooks me dinners but they taste empty. We sleep in separate rooms and we rarely smile. We’ve acted this way for so long that now it just feels natural. The awkwardness faded long ago and now any happiness feels weird.

Its early morning and I haven’t showered or shaved nor do I plan to. We’re on the back porch and I have a steaming cup of coffee in my hands that my wife made. Helen is sitting on the porch swing, still looking at me with suspicion. The morning rays are golden and there’s a bed of fog lying among the dewy grass. I can feel the moisture in the air.

My name is Jed. I’m sixty-one and feel like nothing could ever shock me anymore. I’ve seen everything and I’ve heard it all. I’m retired because I couldn’t handle the emptiness of the city. The adrenaline rush eluded me and I could care less about the team work. I used to do it to contribute to society. I used to care for the people who needed me but not anymore. People just annoy me now whether they are healthy or sick. I saved and lost lives as a paramedic. I’ve become so desensitized from blood and guts that I almost miss seeing it. Blood splattered on the pavement let me know I wasn’t living a dream- it brought reality to my life. Especially near the end of my career because my wife and I had stopped loving each other, so my home life felt dull and empty. I lived the nightlife, well worked it mostly. Helen stayed at home and took care of the house. Our marriage never had a chance, not even from the beginning. Helen wanted to have children and I did not. Within the first year of our marriage she convinced me to try for at least one but her heart was broken by our doctor when he told her she was unable to carry a child. That’s when her resentment towards me began. She blamed my negativity on her dilemma. I was glad. As the years passed she became bitter and cold and in return, I resented her for wasting my time. Helen and I moved out here to the country two years ago. We moved to rekindle our marriage, but it only made things worse. Her family still lives in the city. One of her brothers is in a home. I know she would love to visit him but I can’t stand the city anymore, I refuse to take her. I know she would go on her own if she could drive, but she wouldn’t know how to steer out of the garage and there isn’t a chance in hell I will ever teach her. I know that if she left now she would never return.

There’s nothing warm about our house, the family pictures are fake with smiles and the paint is flat. We keep the radio on to break the silence, but the radio isn’t playing now, the beautiful silence is all I hear.


I have salt and pepper hair that I swoop to the side. My bushy side burns are white but I like how they feel so I never shave them off. My face is narrow and chiseled. My eyes are deep set and empty. I haven’t recognized myself in the mirror since God knows when. I wear rugged older clothing most of the time Plaid jackets, red and black like the one I have on now. I like tight fitting jeans and hiking boots for when I walk about my property with Russel. Russel is a German Sheppard and has been a loyal companion for about ten years now. He’s sitting beside me and he’s looking at me oddly, like my wife continues to do. I look down to match his eyes and say nothing. It’s too early to speak, too early to do anything but drink my coffee and gaze out into the distance.

As I look back upon the trees, I hear Helen get up from the porch swing and walk inside. The creaks from the old wooden planks follow her to the door. Russel follows her inside. I smile as I’m finally alone with my thoughts again. My thoughts have kept me company for so long now it’s the only voice I can trust. I hear Helen click the radio on, and the silence is gone. She did it because she knows how much I love silence. A strong radio voice, deep with composure and mixed a sense of sternness and professionalism speaks out.

"Police have been patrolling the city today as they prepare to control gathering crowds outside of city hall. A recent outbreak of an unidentified bacterial strand has infected hundreds of citizens in the area and appears to be spreading quickly. It is reported that doctors are scrambling to test the strand to discover its origin and full impact on-"

The radio voice is cut-off as Helen switches the station to music that feels calming; I can’t stand to listen to the news anymore. I’m surprised she changed the station because I know she knows how much I hate the news. My life is depressing enough as it is. I don’t need to hear about how the government is letting us down and the fluffy stories of hope and encouragement make me cringe. I lean forward against the railing. My coffee is still in my hands and it is losing heat with every passing second. My skinny arms press into the aging wood before me. My left leg crosses behind the right and I stick my neck forward and continue to gaze out. The music continues to pour out of the old radio and my day has officially begun.

Here we go again, I think to myself.

Monday, April 12, 2010

On the NHL 2010 Eastern Conference Play-Off predictions.

Eastern Conference

Washington Capitals (1) vs. Montreal Canadiens (8)

I’m definitely pumped for this match-up because of the speed that is sure to be show-cased here. I expect to see tons of odd man rushes from both sides and a lot of flashy saves.

Will it be rough and grinding? No, it will be fun, fast and a lot of scoring.

I can count on watching Jaroslav Halak take the first game, but if things don’t go in the Habs favor I can also count on seeing Carey Price start at some point as well.

Washington is almost one-hundred percent healthy, minus Milan Jurcina, I think they will survive without him.

With that said there’s a whole lot of fire power, obviously from Alex Ovechkin but with the likes of Nicklas Backstrom, Alexander Semin and Mike Green, count on seeing a lot of power-play action from this pack.

However, Montreal’s power-play might struggle with the absence of Glen Metropolit, who led the team in PP goals.

Unless Mike Cammallerie can resurrect his scoring touch and Scott Gomez and Brain Gionta can continue their recent scoring success, they will have their hands ridiculously full.

The Captials goaltending is also interesting and I am not certain who their starter will be, but if I were a betting man I’d probably put my money towards Jose Theodore, who should also expect a chorus of boo’s in the Canadiens home show.

Goals will come mainly from broken plays and power-plays no doubt. The team with the fewest turn-overs may take the series victory.


Washington and Montreal split the season series, each taking five of eight points.


Prediction: Caps in 6 (Halak will steal 2 games almost single handedly.)


New Jersey Devils (2) vs. Philadelphia Flyers (7)
As a Flyers fan, it’s extremely hard not to be bias on this one but I can at least be realistic. It’s going to be an all out war.

Throw in their storied rivalry with skill and speed and you have one heck of a must-see play-off series.

Lets get the big elephant in the room out of the way right now. Brian Boucher will make or break this series.

Fun Fact: This is a goalie rematch between Boucher and Martin Brodeur from the 2000 Eastern Conference final. 

Since then Boucher has played in several different teams all as a back-up.

On the other side, there is possibly the best goalie ever to play the position. Brodeur has set a ridiculous amount of records, owns a pair of championship rings and has won two Olympic gold medals.

The Devils made the biggest splash signing Ilya Kovalchuk but he hasn’t quite given them all they have hoped for.

If he evolves into a play-off warrior then chances are the Devils will get the strong upper-hand in the series.

Zach Parise, anyone? Bueller?

This man is shockingly talented and still has room for improvement. He’s a beast and will be the Devils game-breaker. Parise loves spring hockey and you can bet he’ll try to set some personal bests.

But let’s not completely count the Flyers out. They do own one of the leagues most potent top six forwards of any team, but that’s only when they are rolling.

Several times through-out the season the Flyers had too many games with-out the finishing touches.

Even still, which goalie honestly wants to face Jeff Carter and Mike Richards on either the Power-Play or the Penalty-Kill?

They both explode and crave one-on-one opportunities and both know how to finish.

Chris Pronger was brought to the Flyers for this reason alone. He shuts down and controls tempo in the play-offs.

Expect this to be bloody, hard nosed hockey with a splash of dazzling plays.


The Flyers finished 5-1-0 against the Devils.


Prediction: Flyers in 7. (I told you it would be biased)


Buffalo Sabres (3) vs. Boston Bruins (6)

Intriguing to say the least.

Both teams have felt the injury bug and both teams have solid goaltending. Both teams can stick around in games they shouldn’t, and both teams are frustrating to play against.

The edge in goaltending goes to Buffalo no doubt. Ryan Miller has been solid for years now and even took Team USA to a thrilling Olympic silver medal finish against Team Canada.

Miller has carried this team night in and night out for much of the season.

Tuuka Rask has been incredible in his rookie year but that is where it comes down to.

Experience.

Although Tim Thomas could take over easily if Rask comes up short but even Thomas has struggled this year coming off his Vezina trophy winning season a year ago.

Thomas Vanek has scored the quietest 28 goals I’ve ever seen this year and he will be a major factor in this series along with Derek Roy and Tim Connolly.

The Sabres have been thrilled in the response of rookie defenseman Tyler Myers, leading all rookies in the bid for the Calder Trophy.

Boston has deeply missed Phil Kessel’s 40-plus goal performance last year as he now plays golf for Toronto.

Their biggest scoring threat came from Marco Sturm, 22 goals, nothing to shake a stick at. Bergeron came close behind with 19.

The biggest reason that the Bruins may falter in the opening round is the absence of Marc Savard.

Arguably the most under-rated forward in the league, he took a gut-less cheap shot from Matt Cooke and had his season ended short, possibly even his career.

Their game breaker will be Zdeno Chara, but even Chara isn’t Chara these days. Broken nose and pinky finger apart, he isn’t playing one-hundred percent at all.


Boston went 4-2-0 against the Sabres.


Prediction: Sabres in 5. (Miller will frustrate them Sens-less.)


Pittsburgh Penguins (4) vs. Ottawa Senetors (5)

Well let’s see. The Penguins are the defending champs. Sidney Crosby tied with Steven Stamkos of the Tampa Bay Lightning for the season scoring title (51) and Evengi Malkin and Jordan Staal have continued with their successful ways.

Who loves play-off pressure? Bill Guerin. He’s a game-changer and scores big goals when his team needs them most.

Not to mention Marc-Andre Fleury can shut down a game or two.

Monies in the bag, right?


Well, hold on a minute.

The Sens have overcome a lot of diversity already this season.

Right off the bat, losing Danny Heatly who demanded to get out of Ottawa, things looked bleak. But as time proved to differ, the Sens won a franchise best, eleven straight games.

Brian Elliott stepped up when goaltender,  Pascal Leclair did not and Jason Spezza over came a terrible injury to return in a fresh and positive manner.

Daniel Alfredsson continues to prove why he captains this team and will be a force to control.

All things considered, the Sens are still facing the reigning champs and will have more then they can handle from the Penguins offensive juggernauts to their grind-it-out key pieces to the Penguin puzzle to the consistent play-off net-minding.


Prediction: Pens sweep Sens in 4. (I’m just feeling a sweep here.)

Monday, March 22, 2010

On 2010 Paralympics?

With the 2010 Paralympics closing yesterday, I felt a need to get something off my chest.

I mean no disrespect to any of our athletes or Canada, but am I the only one who didn't care that the Canadian men's sledge hockey team finished fourth? Or that Team USA  beat... Japan for the gold?

Don't get me wrong, I totally respect that sport and the amount of skill and training that would go into it.

There is no way I could ever succeed at slegde hockey. It's ridiculous what those athletes can do but still I find myself not upset about a 4th place finish.

If the Men or Women's ice hockey team finished fourth in Vancouver, that would've turned our entire nation upside down... not to mention if Japan had even qualified let alone finishing second.

I even watched some of the ice dance competition, I watched a full match of curling! But yet couldn't even bother to turn on one single event last week.

Why is it that as a country we were so united and proud of all our athletes in the first Vancouver 2010 games and then when it came to the paralympics two weeks later, I heard next to nothing about it?

Those athletes train and compete just as hard as the other athletes, so why did they get less attention and support?

All of our para-athletes deserve much more respect and support then what I've given them and I hope some of these questions will be answered.

Anyways, until next time I'll leave you with a simple rule I was taught growing up. Do onto others as you would want in return.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

On Dreams.

Take them for what they are, dreams.

Good, bad, happy and sad our dreams can be inspiring, traumatizing and even mesmerizing.

I've often toyed with the idea of keeping a dream blog but it's a lot easier said then done. I forget most of my dreams shortly before finishing brushing my teeth.

You can pick apart every dream you have, determine their meanings but for me I would just like to keep them the way they are. A 7-8 hour escape from reality.

I have a reoccurring dream of my teeth falling out of my mouth. I've heard this could mean anything from financial stress to feeling powerless, although money and power often go hand in hand.

Some nights I go without dreaming anything at all, and some nights when I wake up every couple of hours I go through hundreds but only retain a memory of a few.

You can have vivid dreams of people you know or complete strangers. I find the dreams of complete strangers absolutely fascinating when you can put them into such detail in your mind.

Has anyone ever had a sense of deja-vu where you are absolutely positive you have dreamt the situation you are living out?

Deja-vu is not foreign to me at all. I experience it at least 4 times a month and I'm about ninety-seven percent sure it has nothing to do with a complication in the Matrix. I will keep you all posted if I ever see agents running through my house.

The thing I like most about deja-vu is that mixed feeling of paranoia and mysticism and then when people are looking at you funny because you have completely stopped whatever it was you were doing to capture that moment.

Anyways, random blog yes but maybe this can spark some discussion. I'd like to hear some stories or share some dreams with me.

Until next time, sweet dreams and happy bloggings.    

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

On his top 20 acoustic jams.



Here's a list of the top twenty acoustic songs I listen to in no particular order.

20. Sunsets and Car Crashes - The Spill Canvas

19. Stumbliene - The Smashing Pumpkins

18. Tiger Mountain Peasant Song - Fleet Foxes

17. Ahead By A Century - The Tragically Hip

16. Hello, I'm in Delaware - City and Colour

15. Gimmie Sympathy - Metric

14. Best of You - Foo Fighters

13. The '59 Sound - Gaslight Anthem

12. A Lack of Color - Death Cab For Cutie

11. If it Means A lot to You - A Day To Remember

10. Drifting - Andy Mckee

9. Classical Gas - Eric Clapton

8. Come As You Are - Nirvana

7. Wonderwall - Oasis

6. I'll Follow the Sun - The Beatles

5. I Will Follow you Into the Dark - Death Cab For Cutie

4. Name - The Goo Goo Dolls

3. The Wolves (Act I and II) - Bon Iver

2. Rose March - The Smashing Pumpkins

1. Everlong - Foo Fighters

Friday, February 5, 2010

On an untitled story. (Chapter Three)

Chapter Three

            The sun is blinding me into a fit of confusion as I am waking up. Sitting against a tree I exhale heavily and blink several times as I see Courtney sitting beside me. She was staring with a weird look upon her face.
“Do you always pout when you sleep?” Her sarcasm rang straight through to my ears. I smiled bashfully and gave her a soft shove on her arm with my open left hand as I wipe my eyes with the other.
“And cute braces too?” She laughed as she asked. Her compliment made my smile grow wider as I reply,
“I’m feeling so out of it, how long have you been sitting here?” She laughs at me again and leans hard into my shoulder as we sit with our backs against the tree.
“Not long really, I didn’t want to startle you like my dumb dog did so I just thought I’d sit for a bit until you finally woke up.” She put a flirty emphasis on the word, finally, which was really cute.
“Yeah that was kind of scary, I’m not going to lie.” I knew that sounded nerdy in my head but it was too late to take it back.
“He’s harmless; Percy just gets so excited when he sees new people. He took it over the edge though,” she said. We didn’t look at each other when we spoke; we just kept looking at the ground and our feet. Every now and then she would gently bump her foot against mine and I would return the favour.

            She was wearing a white spaghetti string top that showed off her slim tan arms and had blue yoga pants. She sat with her arms wrapped around her thighs. Her chin rested on her knees. Her hair was tied into a pony on the back of her head and she was wearing white runners. Every now and then I would zone out because her aroma was intoxicating. Whatever it was that she was wearing had hypnotized all of my senses.

            Courtney jumped to her feet and quickly grabbed my hands. Before I knew it I was standing to face-to-face with her and then as quickly as she grabbed my hands she let them go and started to run. She motioned me to follow her as she turned and ran backwards for a few feet, smiling in the process.

            Seeing as how I wasn’t one hundred percent awake I stumbled a bit on the crumbled road as I began to run after her.

            She had run towards the Mr. General’s but she didn’t go inside. She ran around the back of the store and across the rear parking lot towards the surrounding forest. I followed her down a skinny biking trail. Courtney was a good 10 yards ahead of me and she seemed to know where she was going. I had no clue. I’ve been on this path hundreds of times with Mike.

The path was mostly downhill and steep. Round stones and roots made running difficult but I was able to keep up with her for the most part.
“Come on, we’re almost there, just a little further! Courtney yelled.
“We’re almost where?” I barley managed to yell it out.
“You’ll see! Just hurry up! Its almost too late! she yelled back. The forest became thicker with branches and brush and I kept getting pieces of sticky cobweb into my hair. The air was tight and I struggled to breathe as I continued down the tricky path. Courtney was out of my sight now but I just kept running, paying close attention to where my feet were landing so I didn’t fall. I couldn’t even see into the forest on either side of the path. The forest was dark and little rays of sun made it through the leaves.
           
            As I leaped and bounded over several larger rocks and roots I realized she was leading me towards the river. It was so humid now that I thought it’d be nice to get closer to some water. I could hear the rapids now as the forest began to open up a little more and the sunlight made things much brighter now that I had reached the riverbed.

            We came to a place where the river forked off into two directions, and I could hear Courtney now further down the trail as she had stepped on some branches. The snapping echoed into the forest. The blue sky above started to look a little dull as the sun was beginning to set. I stopped to catch my breath and looked at the scenery.

            It was like a painting. The island in the middle of the riverways has dead trees stretching out of the ground and tall grass thickly immersed together. The left side of the river is full of rapids and the right side, where I am about to follow, is calmer.

            I wipe my sweaty face with my shirt sleeve and began to run again. I couldn’t hear Courtney anymore as I trudged along the broken path. As I move further down the path the water became rough again and the rapids are loud. The path ran close to the water’s edge and I could feel the splashing rapids a they fought along the jagged rocks guarding the pathway. The path ahead turned left and the forest was so thick that I couldn’t see what was on the other side of the bend.

As I rounded the sharp turn I find Courtney sitting on a rock staring at a waterfall. It was loud and the water was fast. A foggy mist rose from the rapids at the bottom of the falls and the air was moist. Courtney turned her head around greeted me with a smile as she sat playing with her pony tail in her hands. Her face was sweaty and her cheeks are red from the run. I walked to her and just as I was about to say hello she said,
“I love it.” Her statement was true. The falls has always been a fun place to visit. Mike and I would often bring our fishing gear here and it was always deserted.
“I found this path as soon as we got here. I followed it to this point yesterday and fell in love with it.” She spoke softly and never looked away from the water as she speaks.
“I feel at peace here,” she looked away from the water finally and into my eyes, “It gets better.” She stood up from the boulder she sat on and took my sweaty hand into hers once again. Her grip was gentle but confident. As she led me towards the falls she looked back at me and smiled again with a playful look. My arm stretched out to meet hers and I walked but couldn’t feel my steps as my heart was racing. I had no idea why she was leading me closer and closer and we both became soaked.

I watched her step up onto a giant boulder and her grip tightened onto my hand as she fought for her balance. And then with one more step she vanished behind the falls and let go of my hand. The sound of the pounding water deafened my ears and water streamed over my hair and face as I followed behind her and to my amazement; a cave was behind the curtain of water.  

            It was dark and cold, and the cave flickered with sunlight as it rippled through the waterfall creating prisms of light along the walls. We couldn’t hear each other at all as we both tried to yell at each other. Courtney laughed and stepped closer to me and put her cheek against mine and yelled into my ear,
“Isn’t it wonderful?” I laughed as I stepped back slightly to look into her eyes again and nodded my head. I grabbed her hands this time and she smiled into my eyes. My stomach was turning inside, and I felt shaky. I pulled her into my body and we held each other for the first time as we looked through the falls in front of us. The moment was there and I held onto it with everything I had. I finally found some adventure in this old town. Her head nestled into my shoulder and her waist was pressed against mine. My arms wrapped around her body and we clasped hands interlocking them in front. Her wet hair didn’t bother my face at all as I rested my cheek onto her head. I wasn’t sure what exactly was happening between us at that moment. We seemed to be lost in time and everything felt right. I lowered my head down to her ear so I could say,
“Genesis.”
She looked up at me with a smile and in that moment, I kissed her.

            The feelings took control and the butterflies intensified. It was surprising and the fact I even knew how to kiss a girl mystified me. But there we were.

In a beautiful moment, the world had disappeared and only Courtney and I existed inside that dark, cold cave holding onto something we would not forget in a very long time. 

Thursday, January 28, 2010

On an untitled story. (Chapter Two)

Chapter Two
           
             Some men wearing blue track suits and lifting belts with brown shoulder straps are yelling profanities at each other as they unload the truck that drove past earlier. I run cautiously towards it and hide behind a huge oak tree and bury myself into some tall grass that instantly itches my skin. The truck belongs to a moving crew who are setting up floodlights on the pathway to the house because the sun is slowly dropping behind the horizon, making the sky a pale purplish grey. My ears are deafened by the truck’s idling engine and the exhaust fumes are exasperating the clean air. The dark blue truck is covered in mud and the tires are in need of some air. I watch closely as the movers struggle with a giant dresser in the back of the truck. There is one standing below the truck as the other one is inside and lowers the dresser. An awkward crack erupts from the dresser base as it bumps the ground. The movers both put their hands over the heads and exhale at the exact same time. 


            In the front of the house, there are two white doors and they are surrounded by dark red brick. The four windows on either side of the doors are mammoth but could use some fresh paint. Massive untrimmed bushes grow along the base of the house, many of the ends are brown and yellowish green. Several cracked wooden steps lead to an empty  porch covered with empty beer bottles, cigarette butts, dead leaves and dirt. A black fly buzzes in and around my ears as I watch more furniture moving in. Its hard to tell from the darkness and my view from the tree but I see a lot of furniture inside the truck.

            I creep towards the house when the movers are distracted and push my body through the bushes, smelling it’s sweet fragrance. I grab onto the base and peer into a dusty window, I can‘t see anything. I use my sleeve to wipe away some of the grime and I see shadowy figures moving about. All I can really see is a large figure moving inside, it looks to be unpacking from a box, but I’m not certain because there are no lights turned on. A bottle appears to be in the left hand of the shadow and I can see smoke billowing from a cigarette in the right.

            Suddenly my heart skips and my body tenses as I hear an angry growl and quick footsteps running behind me but before I can react my body is pushed to the ground and my breath is knocked from my lungs. I lay helplessly on my back and all I can smell is the beasts disgusting breath. I almost puke when my face is covered by a big wet tongue. A dog has attacked me but I can’t make out the breed because of the night sky. As my hands fight the monster’s face off of mine the animal is suddenly yanked off my chest and my lungs fill with air. My eyes are squeezed shut and my fists are clenched ready to fight. But when I open my eyes I see my rescuer is kneeling beside my crumpled body.  As one of the floodlights lights up a face, I see a girl, a teenage girl. 


            I stare blankly at her. There’s a brief silence between us as we look at each other. She has black hair that parts in the middle of her forehead and flows down to her shoulders. Her hair perfectly frames her face. Her brown eyes are full with long black eyelashes and her cute nose runs down to meet her plush pink lips that are now smiling, revealing her perfectly white teeth. She is breathtaking.
Im really sorry,” she finally says. “Percy gets to be a little aggressive sometimes, God I hope you are okay, she didnt bite you did she?" She spoke quickly and pushes her hair behind her left ear with her hand. I notice that her face blushes red whenever she looks into my eyes. I am simply lost in hers. She brushes dirt off my shoulders, and the initial contact gives me a jolt of electricity. The girl helps me up to my feet but I just continue to stare at her, not blinking once.
“I’m really sorry, my name is Courtney, whats yours? she asks. I begin to search for the words but there are none. Words were non-existent. My mouth is dry and my tongue feels swollen, all I can taste is stale saliva. I take a breath and the front door opens quickly with a creek and a deep voice calls Courtney to dinner. She apologizes again and tells me to meet her at Mr. General’s Store tomorrow at noon.  With a flashy smile, Courtney takes off with my heart and she rounds the corner of the house and I listen as her footsteps leap up the stairs to the porch. I still cant blink until the door slams shut. I rub my face with my dirty sleeve and shake my head as I mumble under my breath,
Genesis.

----------------------------------------------------

            As I walk through the front door to my home, I see my mom is busy making lots of noise in the kitchen. There are pots and pans all over the counter. Empty packages lay on the counter and some on the floor. The tap is running water and my mom is cutting up vegetables with a huge knife on a cutting board. My mom is a natural looking woman with straight brown hair that she has tied into a mess in the back of her head. Her skin is tan and she has a warm smile when I haven’t done anything to piss her off. She has a round face and her eyes are brown and aged with crow’s feet. She never wears make-up and only smells like fresh laundry. She’s about five foot-six and my arms are full when I hug her. She’s wearing an old yellow t-shirt with a tabby cat on the front and dark blue track pants.

            My mom is as tough as they come, I have never seen her cry. She once slapped me across the face when I was eleven because I had stolen candy from The General. I’ll never forget the look in her eyes after she did it. I just remember sitting on my bed stunned from the impact of her hand on my cheek. It stung so badly, my eyes watered and my cheek had an outline of her fingers for hours. She stuck the hand she slapped me with inside her hair and wore a bizarre look of anger, guilt, and sadness upon her face. There was such an awkward silence which seemed to drag on for three hours and we just looked into each others eyes after the contact, not sure what to say. My mom apologized that night in her own special way by feeding me banana pancakes at dinner for the first and only time.

            The house smells like spaghetti sauce and the air is muggy inside because of all the cooking she has done. From out of the corner of my eye I see a four-foot-five blonde run into the living room. Its my little brother, Matthew. We get along sometimes but most times he is a pest. He has big baby blue eyes like mine and fine blonde hair that our mom always combed over. Hes missing a couple of teeth and he usually has some sort of mess on his face, today it looks like chocolate. Matthew looked a lot like my dad and people always told my mother his eyes are shocking because of the similarities.

            Matthew just finished the first grade. My mom wasn’t too impressed this year when she went to his classroom and discovered his desk was attached to the teacher‘s. His teacher said he was a distraction to his classmates so the only way she could contain him was to have him sit beside her desk at all times. My brother screamed after a good spanking that night when they got home. I felt kind of sorry for him until I heard that he was being a brat. He even had to go to these bad behaviour classes which is where all the children with attention problems went. He had a chart taped to his desk with all the days of the school week on it. If he behaved well on Monday, he would get a sticker placed into the Monday box. Every Friday they had to report to their behaviour teacher and show how their behaviour was each week. If they were good, they were allowed to go outside and play for half an hour. I could always tell when he had a good week because my mom would bake chocolate chip cookies every Friday. If there were none, I knew he was having a bad week.

            Our house is pretty simple. At the front door there are stairs to the left of the entrance against the wall. The stairs lead to three second floor bedrooms and a bathroom. The kitchen is directly to the right of the front door and has two entrances. One, from the main hallway in the front directly beside the front door and the other kitchen entrance is from the living room at the back of the house. It’s a bungalow so there are only so many places we can go to escape each other. The basement is always cold and dusty. Old creaky stairs let everyone know when someone is going down. There is an aging carpet in the basement that used to be orange at some point in time and it was curling up at all corners of the walls. I hated that basement when I was little because it was always so quiet until the freezer turned on it made such an odd sound that gave me the creeps.

            My mom slams the tap off and turns around with a disgusted look on her face.
“Why are you so filthy?” My mom asked. I look at the dust on my sleeves and the stains on my pants and smile as it reminds me of Courtney. Before I can even answer my mom turns around and faces away from me once again, shaking her head as she turns the tap back on and yells,
“So what? I’m supposed to buy you new clothes every month?” I can tell this is rhetorical so I keep quiet. She shakes water from a leaf of lettuce into the sink and quietly says.
“Go wash up, dinner is almost ready, be more careful next time Genesis, we don’t have money just for your well being.” This is a line I hear almost five times a week, but we always seem to fill the fridge with food and keep the lights on, so we must be doing ok.

            When I return to the table I see roast beef in the middle of the dinner table on a fancy white platter. The beef is surrounded by other plates consisting of mashed potatoes, steamed carrots and cooked peas. A woven basket is filled with dinner rolls and the gravy is right beside my spot at the table. As I sit into my chair I grab a glass of milk and drink it as quickly as I can, my throat was still dry. During dinner, I tell my mom about the new family that moved in and I go on about Courtney like I’ve known her for years. My mom stays quiet and doesn’t say much, I just get the occasional head nod and smile. Matthew looks to be lost inside some kind of fantasy world in his head and plays with his peas and potatoes. His hand is resting on the side of his face and he is mumbling something incoherent under his breath.

            After dinner, I do some of my chores which always include a mass amount of dishes and I’m endlessly cleaning up the table. Matthew tries to help out some days but he usually just gets in my way so I send him off to play tonight which seems to be perfectly fine with him. Afterwards, I walk out to the front porch, the air was chilly and smelled of freshly cut grass. The sky is dark except for the silver light from the moon which looked small tonight. For the first time in the last few hours, Courtney isnt on my mind, my father is. When I was eight years old, my father died at the coal mine, where most of the men in the town used to work. It was a freak accident where one of the mine-shafts collapsed and my dad was trapped.  Our pastor tried to comfort me by saying he didnt suffer and his death was quick. He said something else about him being with God, but for some reason I cant help but think it was a painful death. The entire town went to the funeral and I felt a sense of belonging. Women would hug me and the men would rub my head or squeeze my arm.
“Chin up.” One man said.  It comforted me for some reason. Looking at my father for the last time in the casket didn’t mean much to me then, but I wish I could see him one more time. I was old enough to understand death but too young to grasp the true meaning of a funeral. They closed the mines for good after the accident and put a memorial for him beside the old entrance. The memorial was a huge rock with his face etched into the stone and a passage from the Bible was written underneath. My mom has a picture framed on the wall of all of us standing beside the memorial, I was smiling for some reason.

            I reach down and feel for the inscription my father had carved on the rocker I‘m now sitting in. Dad carved my mothers and his own initials under the seat when they bought it. My mother was angry at first because she felt the chair was ruined but when she realised his intentions were good, she embraced it. It always makes me feel like dad is with me when I sit in this chair and drag my fingers over the inscription. The chair is dark brown and has four pegs in the back with a thick head rest and heart shapes carved in the middle with vines. The varnish is fading and there are several chips missing in the seat. The arm rests curl downward at the ends and a soothing creak escapes from the chair when anyone sits in it. Tears begin to sting my eyes as I think about the only memories I have of him and I rest my head on my hand as I rock slowly back and forth. I’m thinking about the memory I love most about my dad while June bugs buzz around the porch light.

            My father would always come home so filthy and dark from the mines. When he stepped, small clouds of dust would float from the fabric of his work uniform. He looked like someone completely different to me. If it wasnt for the blue eyes that glowed past the soot, I probably would have ran away. After he showered and cleaned himself up, he finally looked like dad again. He would chase me around the yard, scoop me up and throw me high into the air. When I was briefly floating, I would always feel so free and I always knew dad would be there to catch my fall, and he would every time. His catch was always gentle and he never squeezed me too hard. But that night on the front porch when mom told me that he had died, I blacked out and fell backwards into the rocker. That is why the chair means so much to me; it is the one thing that I feel peace in. I stand up from the rocker and go upstairs to my dark room.

            It’s always humid at night in the summer time so I usually have a fan plugged into my wall across from my bed.  My room is dark blue and filled with posters of different movies and bands. My dresser is cluttered with a  mess on top and my floor is home to missing socks and baseball cards. As soon as I enter, tears pour uncontrollably from my stinging eyes. I lay on top of the blue covers on my bed with my arms wrapped tightly around the white fluffy pillows, softly sniffling and eventually fall asleep while I think of dad.

--------------------------------------------------
           
            I wake up with the sun shining at me through my bedroom window. The shutters cast funny shadows across my bed and a slight breeze makes the air a bit cool. I love to see a blue sky in the morning, such positive energy comes from it. Courtney is back in my thoughts. Her hair, her eyes and of course her smile. I eventually roll out of bed after several minutes I use to wake-up and notice only one sock remains on my foot. I must’ve fallen asleep pretty quickly because I usually can’t stand the feeling of wearing socks to bed. I look into my bedroom mirror above my dresser and notice my hair is a complete disaster. I kind of smile and scratch my head and walk over to my closet to put on some clean clothes. I throw on some blue jeans and a black t-shirt. I comb my hair to make it somewhat presentable. I leave my room and go into the bathroom that’s a few feet away. The tiled floor feels cold on my bare feet as I relieve my bladder into the toilet bowl. Sometimes nothing can beat the feeling of a good piss when you really have to go. My extremities tingle as I finally finish and zip up.

            My mouth tastes exactly the way it should when someone forgets to brush their teeth the night before so I decide to head downstairs and eat something to get the taste out of my mouth. After breakfast with Matthew and mom, I eventually make my way to a huge elm tree in front of  Mr. General’s. As I wait, I stare at people going about their business. I love to people watch, I could do it all day, I always make up stories in my head about what they are doing and where they are going. I see on older man walking into the store with a cane. 


            Mike walked past the store and noticed me standing alone in the shade. We looked really similar. He is tall and skinny with dark shaggy hair but he has a five oclock shadow forming above his upper lip that makes him look a bit older than me. The first time we met was during summer vacation when we were six. He was playing with a toy dump truck outside of my house on our lawn so I walked over with a bucket of sand from the sandbox in our backyard and poured it all over his toy. I thought I was helping, he thought I was mean. The rest was history though, we hung out every summer after that day and our parents became really close too.

            I ask him how life is and he shrugs his shoulders. Not too much was said because I wanted him to leave before Courtney showed up. I wasn’t really sure how to say that to Mike so I kept my sentences short with him, hoping he would pick up my hint. We briefly talked about school and he mentioned he saw the moving truck yesterday but I didn’t want to tell him about Courtney. I wasn’t going to say anything until I actually talked to her. Mike is quite the charmer despite the lack of women in town. Talking to girls comes natural to him and that is something I have always been jealous of. Mike finally tells me he is off to his aunts house and had to head home. I wave goodbye to Mike as he quickly walks down the road and disappears as he rounds the corner.

            I look around hoping to see Courtney in the distance but all I can see is a few people and the old man with the cane now heading out of Mr. General’s with bags. I sit down and rest my back against the tree, feeling the bark dig into my back and parts of the sun gleam onto my skin. There are a few roots popping up from the ground around me and I can see ants everywhere. I smell the fresh air as a few clouds were rolling through the sky with a gentle breeze. My eyes are heavy and I eventually give in and fall asleep. I might’ve slept for hours if it wasn’t for the bird chirping above me on a  branch. I rub my tired eyes and yawn as my legs stretch out. As I stand from the tree I look down to my watch to see what time it is.  It was later then I thought. A turning in my stomach put thoughts into my head. Semi-lost in a day dream I look up to see the General heading my way from his store. The General is an old man who works at the General Store and has been there for as long as I can remember. His love for children is evident by the amount of candy he gives them. Hes short and his head is balding into a horseshoe pattern, which seems to be a very common hairstyle in this town. He usually wears plaid shirts underneath his bright red suspenders to help keep his forest green trousers on his bony old hips. I dont think I even know the Generals real name.

            He had something brightly coloured in his hands and he was smiling at me. He has a slight limp to his step as he crosses the road and he pushes his glasses up with his hand as he reaches out to give me candy.
“That there my boy, is the best candy you’ll ever put past your lips! Tell your friends!” He gives me a wink with his old eye and turns back towards the store, looking both ways before he crosses the road once more. I open the noisy candy wrapper which attracts some attention from a nearby squirrel and put the bright yellow candy into my mouth. Instantly I feel a crackling sensation and my mouth felt like it was foaming with sour flavour. My lips are pursed and I begin to hop around on one foot as the candy was very strong, spit was dribbling from the corner of my mouth and I make a loud slurping sound as I suck it back in.
           
            My attention was focused back onto my watch as the sourness eventually fades and my stomach kept turning, but it wasn’t from the candy. I felt sweat trickling on my back, but it wasn’t hot. I kick stones on the road in front of the tree and pace. The sky was starting to dim and another vibrant sunset was taking place. My stomach is telling me it must be close to dinner time so I decide to head home and return for a little bit longer afterwards. The sky suddenly seemed a lot darker. Birds were flying from tree to tree in a weird manner and I thought that perhaps a storm was heading this way. The air felt chilly and moist.
           
            I didn’t take my time, I wanted to eat quickly and return before the rain came so I walked as quickly as I could until I finally reached my house. My house has a garden of different coloured flowers in front of the porch. It is as old as every other house in the town. The bricks are dark brown and the window shutters are worn and the blue paint is chipped and fading. Hydro wires strung from the roof connected with the hydro pole across the street. There were usually birds perched on this wire but they aren’t there tonight.  I climb the wooden stairs of the porch and walk past dad’s chair to reach for the screen door. It creeks loudly as I open it and step inside to call for my mom.
“Mom!” I stand and listen to silence.
“Mom, where are you?” Silence still.
“Mom!” I yell once more and open the door to the basement to see light dimly escaping the clutching darkness.
“I’m downstairs.” Mom was in the basement. I walk down the stairs and they creak loudly beneath my feet. She’s sitting alone on the old brown couch that’s in the middle of the basement. I walk over to her with my face furrowed.
“Are you ok?” I ask as I sit beside her. The couch is surrounded by boxes and metal shelving. A single bulb is fastened to the ceiling above us and a metal strings dangles from it.
“You never sit in the basement alone,” I tell her. My Mom shared my hated for basements. She told me once that she always felt like someone was watching her when she was alone down here. I didn’t grasp the meaning of what she said until I was a little older. Mom looked at me with a weird look on her face, but it was a familiar look. 

            In my peripheral vision I saw the wall moving slowly, the cement walls were beginning to melt. I sat still but I sat in awe, my hands were still and my mom turned to see what I was looking at. A natural warmth developed into my stomach and a calmness shadowed the couch. The basement evolved into a funeral home. The room was dark with the only light source illuminating from the hundreds of lit candles on the stage. The candles surrounded the casket and they are white and red; all perched on black iron holders that twisted to the floor. The couch vanishes and my Mom is now sitting in one of the pews near the front. I stand alone in the back entrance. The calmness never leaves my stomach and my breath is slow. The stage is glowing orange and thousands of flowers litter the floor surrounding the casket. The smell of roses and candles embrace the entire room. I close my eyes slowly and breath it in.  I feel compelled to walk into the room, compelled to see Courtney one last time. The calmness is starting to turn into anxiety, my legs are wobbly, my feet are slow and my hands are sweaty. My jaw is clenched to fight the tears in my eyes. I walk slowly down the single aisle of the room, there are candles at the entrance of each row. Fifteen rows of wooden pews each filled with blurry silent people dressed in black.

            I make my way to the front area of the centre stage and there are three red steps that match the red carpet. Each step feels like a mountain to take but I eventually make my way to the casket mounted high on an oak base. I look down and see Courtney resting peacefully.

            The air is hot from the flames and my face is sweaty. I put my hand to my mouth and start to weep uncontrollably. Hyperventilation sets in and I start to panic. My arms and legs shake like lightning has coursed through my entire body. My head snaps back and my body continues to tremble. The tears stream down my face and a bright light pushes out the dark so the whole room is bright and shining. The light forces my eyes shut as I continue to shake, my body hurts. My head begins to pound and my fingers stretch out, all of my extremities are aching and my lungs begin to close out. I’m gasping for a breath but only feel pressure against my skin. I feel as though my breaking point has arrived until the light vanishes, the candles blow out and the room is dark. The air smells like smoke and I lay crumpled onto the floor. The room is empty and silent, everyone is missing from the pews, but I remain on the floor beside Courtney. The silence is terrifying but I can only think about getting to Courtney. Blind, I reach out and feel for the base of the casket. I climb to my knees and rest my head against the side.
“Genesis.” I say my name three more times under my breath as tears continue to roll over my smiling cheek.